The Multidimensional Art of Listening: Lessons from an Executive Coach

Apr 18

As I reflect on the inaugural year of Promote Leaders, the biggest lesson I’ve learned by far is the power of listening. Throughout my career, I’ve prided myself on being an exceptional active listener and asking powerful questions, but this past year as a coach has expanded my view and taught me new lessons that have benefited me as a coach, partner, and leader. Consistently holding a safe space for others has provided incredible growth opportunities not only for my clients but surprisingly for me as well. Though we have detailed conversations about options, solutions, and plans, this comes after gaining a strong understanding of their unique and specific situation. Listening helps us go beyond the 'what' to the 'why.'

Regardless of where you are in your career, consider these tips to build better connections with your teams, clients, and peers, creating opportunities for meaningful engagement beyond execution or problem-solving. This concept is especially important during crises, interpersonal issues, or times of change, helping us see topics from multiple perspectives. Focusing on listening will help resist the urge to immediately solve or interject yourself into the situation. You’ll often find that there is much more to the story than originally presented.

This year has deepened my ability to be truly present, where the person across from me feels, even if for a brief moment, that they are the center of the universe. This deep focus, listening with your eyes, body, and ears, allows the opportunity to notice subtle changes that give critical insight into what’s underneath a person’s words. This way, you can tailor your approach and provide the support that person needs.

Here are my top 10 lessons on listening:

Removing distractions. I thought closing my email was enough, but it wasn't until I silenced my phone, all notifications, and closed everything, including my web browser, that I realized how many other ways my attention was divided. My favorite approach is taking a walk or having coffee with a team member, but even in our hybrid world, this connection can still be established. Only with this focused attention could I see beyond the words for the subtle cues that provided real insights.
Listening for changes in tone of voice. Many of us are well-rehearsed in what to say. We know what’s expected to show we’re a team player, that we’ve got everything under control, or simply that 'everything’s fine.' When does their voice lower, get louder, or waver? What do these changes mean for that person? A loud voice could indicate irritation, excitement, or a poor web connection. Try not to assume meaning, but use it as an opportunity to dig further.
Watching for changes in facial expressions. When do they light up with excitement? Divert their eyes? When are they processing, remembering, or experiencing an emotion? Like the previous point, there are lots of books on body language, but I’m finding that there isn’t a universal formula. What’s important is understanding the baseline of the person you’re speaking with and observing when it changes.
Vocalizing that you noticed a change. In a neutral tone of voice, inquire—I noticed you shifted in your seat when I mentioned XYZ; what happened for you at that moment? This is a new tactic for me. I used to notice but not comment, leading to my making assumptions about what was happening. When inquiring with genuine curiosity, I’m almost always surprised by their response! I would assume that I said something wrong, but really the conversation triggered a similar memory from their last job, or they were nervous about working in a new area.
Neutral follow-up questions. Most people want to avoid uncomfortable topics or sharing feedback, so it’s helpful to give a cue to move on quickly, such as "I'm crazy busy, but busy's good, right?" Sometimes a simple question like "What else is going on with you?", "Tell me more about your busy day.", or "How can I help?" will unlock anecdotes and challenges that could easily be glossed over without probing. This signals that you're interested in learning more and are curious about them, not just trying to check off items in the meeting agenda. Asking this question 2-3 times can potentially unlock the opportunity to build stronger relationships.
Summarizing what you heard, without judgment. Pointing out a pattern or using slightly different language can help the person you're talking to clarify what they meant or see a new point of view. Through this process, I often get a surprised reaction like "I had no idea I was saying that!" and it opens the door to a deeper conversation. Don't forget to end that sentence with "Am I missing anything?" as it will likely open up at least one more door.
Asking for their ideas on solutions before proposing your own. It's easy to start the conversation with a solution already in mind, but instead, look to your conversation partner for ideas first and be open to the possibility that the discussion could take a different and potentially better turn. Asking questions like "How would you ideally solve this?", "What if there weren't any obstacles?", and "What's stopping you from moving forward?" provides a moment to examine how difficult or insurmountable those obstacles really are. Typically, there is a small step or a path forward they hadn't considered before. Don't interject your own solution or story until you've heard them out.
Holding the silence. I've had multiple clients highlight how vital it is to have a safe and non-judgmental space to work through and articulate their thoughts, which has made a huge difference in becoming a more intentional and strategic leader. We've realized that their first idea is rarely the best one, so holding space to allow them to talk it through has been critical to finding the best solution.
Keeping a neutral environment. To keep the focus on your partner, limit facial and body expressions. I was surprised to learn that BOTH smiling and frowning create an environment of approval and put the listener in the center. Being in a position of leadership, most people will look to you for validation that they are thinking or doing the right thing, influencing what they share or the final solution. I often eagerly smiled or nodded enthusiastically during a conversation. Now, I take a more neutral, but respectful, approach. Acknowledge that you are listening verbally or with an occasional nod, but try not to influence the outcome.
Preparing your focus before the conversation even begins. Where possible, I schedule 45- or 50-minute meetings. This allows time to download, decompress, and declutter my mind, shifting my deep focus to the next meeting. Taking 2 minutes for breathing, dancing, or walking can also help refocus. This approach has helped keep my mind from wandering to things like the next meeting or to-do list.

When taking this holistic approach to active listening, you receive a more comprehensive view of the situation and person, with an uncanny ability to then ask relevant and penetrating questions. It also makes it easier to deliver a tough message since your conversation partner will know this insight comes after you've understood their side. Through this process, you can ensure your team feels heard and seen while also jointly creating a real and sustainable solution, not just a quick fix.

Please note, this isn't about always having an hour-long coaching discussion; it can be done in just a few minutes, but it's all based on you providing your full, focused, and present attention. There are several levels to becoming an effective listener, so I'm on a constant mission to improve and continue holding a safe space for my clients and others. I hope you'll give a few of these techniques a try as well.